what i miss

this world is too loud.

my life is falling apart.

ok, well not really...but still!

i miss samantha. its been too long...& i can never talk to her...=( i wish she knew that i loved her and i want to spend some time with her.

...i miss...

does this sond crazy?...

i miss nights that i can't even remember. the days i wasn't alive. everything used to be so simple back then. the littlest things please people greatly. but nowadays, people want this, they want that. it seems like money is the source of all happiness, but...y'guys, as much as you may hate this, it isn't. money gets used up, stuff just becomes insignificant. it makes me sad to know that society's becoming so shallow & materialistic.

DUDES!

u aint gonna keep ANY of this. it's a waste. a soul cannot grasp material stuff! it's TRULY impossible.

hey, c'mon! live life to its fullest. & i dont mean the materialistic way, you nEVER know when you're gonna be taken away. Never. life waits for no one, as same with death.

To Be Continued

Mia-you're always so bright and happy. When I'm hurt or scared...or I'm just overly depressed and heartbroken, you always back me up....being protective and all, it makes me happy that you care about me. You have a semi-glow, and beauty like that is hard to find
Rachel, my ate. I'm so glad I have someone like you to guide me through my life. You always show an example to me, whether it be my lifestyle or eating habits.You're constantly teaching me what's right. My true ate.
And finally, Chelsea. My sister, now a part of my soul. I never would regret meeting you that day after school at "baby jail!" You made me become "me." I helped you become "you." From the moment we met until now, we're closer than ever. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want you to go. I don't want any of us to forget each other.

So for all the nights I couldn't remember....
I.Love.You
All of you.

Shadowing (Part 2)

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!
Shadow Day rokd hard! the day spent with my new sophomore buddy, Chanelle, and a bunch of her amazing and happy friends definitely got me excited for when im in high school.

But...as huge as the campus was, as fun and cool the students were, as unique this half-day life was...it made me sad.

As i walked around school grounds with my shadower, i couldn't help but realize that this was the way it was gonna be. Not once did i get to hang out with my friends. although i saw them, we didnt get a chance to be with each other. yes, yes, i know this was for one day only...but being separated from my friends just brought me to reality again. Were all gonna have different schedules, as hectic they may get.

As i was caught in pedestrain rush hour on campus, i realized my friends, my family, my own soul, will depart from each other. Well get into more activities and clubs. We wont have so much free time. we wont be together.

im not worried about making friends. lots of people are social, and i dont think ill get intimidated either.

Im worried that, during our brand new high school life, we wont ahve time for each other. we wont have time to think of each other as we do now.

New classes, new schedules, extra curricular activities and clubs...(sports)...new friends...,aybe boyfriends. i bet when we fo get a chance to talk we wont have the same fun, interesting conversations anymore.

Now...i want to tell these special eight something.
OZZY - funny and childish, you make me happy even when im an icky or total loser. you showed me the sides of you that you never showed anyone else, making my eyes open to the world around.
ANTHONY - i never regret meeting you in fifth grade. even when in sicth grade, we were enemies, we got over that, and became closer than ever. im sorry for decieving you back then. please, dont give into the crap of this world. it gives nothing but emptiness.
ANGELA - i never thought that someone like me would become so clise. youre strong and independent, something that makes you all the more beautiful. the nights i was suicidal, you were the only one consoling me and youre an azn popstar ;)
ELIZABETH - although youre quiet, i know that youre an amazing listener. theres nothing wrong with you, and for some strange reason...im not jealous youre so....ugh! no words can be said right now...@_@ but youre just...NOTHINGS SO WRONG ABOUT YOU! its hard for people to find fault in you.
KAT - my "mother" in a sense...youve helped me thorugh so much, i wouldnt be as i were w/o you. so you say all these bad things about yourself...but youre still the accepting and mose uunderstanding out of our group. you understand me better than them all, and i appreciated ALL the time you wasted on me.

(2B CONTINUED CUZ I'M LAZY LIKE THAT)

Shadowing (Part 1)

Tomorrow, we're gonna go to this private high school to shadow one of the thousand students.
I'M SO EXCITED!
my first day in gorman...
but im kinda scared too. i dunno who im gonna shadow, and that makes me nervous. hopefully, this person isn't so intimidating... and hopefully not much of an introvert either. conversations are nice to have instread of dead silence.
Silence and "normal" people bother me.
a lot.

Turning Around

okay so...that last entry was written in a notebook in school and typed. so apparently, it isn't...over? whoa...it took me 22 hours to get over my idiotic attitude and be all friendly again. Actually, im pretty sure he forgot, too. It was like nothing happened. And that's good. Kinda like how chels and i fought & made up. He and i got...kinda closer? eh...not really?
There are times when i wish he would understand and care and shit, but after i let it all out, it really seems like a stupid thing to get worked up about.
I cant help it. i can never stay mad.
BUT! i have learned my lesson.
...
wait. what was the lesson-to-be-learned again?

DONE

Day 1 without....him
im actually really glad i didn't cry. i felt like it, but i didn't. so...he does love me. But all I ever gave back was the rest of my ickyness. i brought crap into his life. it's all my fault. so he has no reason to feel bad. he did nothing to me. i brought the drama in. he has no reason to say, "but i'll feel bad" or "it makes me feel bad."

to the guy....who means nothing, yet everything to me. you....are.....such a blessing. Dude, you've done everything, but absolutely nothing. eight months we got nowhere., so i'm done. i know you said the keys were in my hotel room, and i found one. but instead i jumped out the window. i broke through the glass and jumped out the window. person who changed my life, you finally made me feel again. you brought me out of my fairy tale living and got me into reality again. right now, there are just too many words. i can't grasp on even one....family. yes, even when i told you i don't want you, or even want to talk to you, you are still my family. it's just now, instead of the index finger squishing againts the middle finger, they're just touching. we're not one, neither are we intwined, like my soul sisters and family, but you're still there.

you may never read this ever in your life, but.....Vinnie?
i love you. as my brother.

you're the person who still watches me even when i bitch out. and guess what? i made a dent in your life. i finally got something i needed. and now i have only two things to say to you.

one: don't overthink of how people think of you. truth is, everyone loves you. i don't even hate you, as many times as i say i do.

second: Thanks.Really.for everything.

oh... and i take back all the crap i brought to you. i don't want you to hurt or anything like that.

p.s. yes, i know my metaphors sound/are stupid